My 52-Weekly Journal: Week 05 // It Never Was A “Way Out”

I had a suicidal tendency once.

(I know it’s hard imagining someone as happy-go-round as me having a suicidal thoughts, but hey, life hits hard)

Well not exactly suicide as in dead suicide (you don’t think there’s any other kind of suicide?) as death kinda terrifies more than anything. More like can I have a severe enough an injury that I would be able to skip just a few months just lying around in pain on a bed, but not fatal enough that I wouldn’t be able to do my usual jogging routine afterwards. Like a few broken bones should do it.

(You’re right, suicides just aren’t my thing)

I’ve been meaning to write about this since long ago, for me and for everyone who’s having a suicidal thought. But then I recovered, and life goes on, and as usual I keep on forgetting things.

But then I was just scrolling 9gag on a lazy day at work (which basically means everyday), and I saw this picture. It basically listed the why nots of doing suicide, but it listed out the whys from external factors, like what would happen afterwards. I think  it’s a screenshot from Tumblr, not really sure, was looking for the original picture but couldn’t quite found it. Hey if you find it can you give me the link? I’m pretty sure there’re a lotta 9gaggers out there and it was on hot so quite a lot of people should’ve seen it and I’d be more than happy to attach the original picture here.

Anyhow,

I was intrigued by the reasons, honestly it moved me, but more so than ever, it inspired me to write one on my own. So that if I ever EVER have any suicidal thought again, I can get back to it. And honestly, I hope this can help, even a little bit, some of my friends out there who’s having one.

Because I don’t know what’s wrong with how millennials are raised, but I have a lot of friends who are currently depressed and is having a suicidal thought. So here goes.

It started with a poet, (I think it’s a poet but it doesn’t rhyme so I’m not quite sure, what makes a poet poet anyway?) like this.

• • •

If I killed myself tonight….

….the Stars would still shine,
the Sun would still rise,
the Earth would still turn,
the Season would still change….

….so why not?

If you ever, EVER have a thought like this, stop.

You want your “why not”s? Here’s your “why not”s:

  • Because you don’t think about your best friend, who’s gonna blame themselves for letting this happen. For not standing there beside you while they still can, instead of standing now beside your casket. They, who’s gonna live a life full of regret and would probably be never fully happy again.
  • Because you don’t think about your circle of friends, who are going to still reserve eight seats instead of seven on your favorite cafe, forever hoping that you’re only just late like you usually do, never accepting that you’re not gonna barge in through that door with your pathetic reasons (who would believe that a Komodo dragon suddenly show up and jam the traffic anyway?). Anymore.
  • What about your lover? They would probably have to find a completely new set of hobbies, a new set of favorite places, a new set of life? Because there is not a thing they can do, not a place they can go, not a second they can live, that your ghost don’t show up, haunting their memory.

Oh you don’t have any friend, or even a circle, so most possibly not a lover too? Well…….

  • What about your siblings? They who will open your bedroom door every 5 minutes, hoping that after the millionth time (yes, they WILL reach that amount, even if that would take them 9.5 years) they will find you laying there on your bed, too lazy to get up because it’s a rainy Sunday morning?
  • What about your father, who would never have a good night sleep anymore because every time he closes his eyes he would be taken back to that room, where he found your body, motionless. Breathless.
  • What about your mother who would still cook your favorite food when she’s alone, only this time it’s much saltier. Because the tears simply won’t stop.
  • Because you may not think about the life your parents will have, right after your funeral, where they would sit there in silence. Because not a word in that house could be spoken without the hope that you’ll walk in that house, again.

And ultimately…..

Yes….

….the Stars would still shine,
the Sun would still rise,
the Earth would still turn,
the Season would still change….

….but we wouldn’t want that without you.

• • •

Some parts I just copy the content, some others I think by myself, some others I elaborate as I see fit. But the last part hit me the hardest so I’m keeping it that way.

Anyway that’s that, it’s been a long time since I last write (like seriously long, the last time I write, no one would think of Trump-Clinton candidacy as nothing more than a joke) so I might be losing my touch. But I hope that helps! And one more thing.

If you ever feel like you’re dying, too stressed, depressed, or suicidal. Seek.help.

The right person can save your life, and you never know who that right person would be. It can be your very best friend, or maybe a complete stranger like me. Just remember to return the favor, and most of the time, you staying alive is already returning the favor.

See you again (hopefully) soon!

p.s.: I’m sorry that there’s no picture this time, tried to finish a drawing but just couldn’t make myself satisfied with the result! Photo above is not mine, it’s Aenami’s from deviantart. (I think if you click the image it will bring you the profile)

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